Sorry, Not Dead Yet!
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World Aids Day December 1
Today was World Aids Day, December 1st.
A day which, unlike Independence Day or
Memorial Day, didn’t entail a major sale at Macy’s, Robinson’s May
or even Wal-Mart. As a matter of fact, when I read the
E-version of the LA Times today, I had to make an effort to find the
side article that even made reference to World Aids Day.
I spent most of this afternoon at the
I have been to Shanti support meetings before,
where you sit in a room with about 7 other men sharing stories of
doom and gloom. I had never been to an event that was summed
up by laughter, hope and (for lack of a better expression) positive
attitude. And all the laughter and funny quips didn’t
diminish the seriousness and intensity of why we were there.
It is estimated that as of today close to 60
million people worldwide are infected with HIV/AIDS. Close to
20 million people have died of AIDS so far. To make
these numbers even more staggering then they already are: the
population of my home country is 15 million.
Imagine the entire population of your country
having died of AIDS. Somebody mentioned that in
Close your eyes for just one moment and imagine
what that would look like.
All across the world
tonight there are candle memorials being held in honor of those who
are no longer with us. I have dedicated a candle myself
tonight by visiting
http://www.candlelightmemorial.org/, I invite you to do the same
and while you are there read some of the 1,200 dedications that are
left by people from
When I came home today, I was going over my email
and I was reading a note from someone who had seen my ad on a
website. In his email
he stated that he enjoyed “charging up bottoms,” he enjoyed having
unprotected sex and knowingly and willingly exposes his partner to
the HIV Virus.
I had to think back to when I had to tell the
person who infected me that I had tested positive and was greeted
with the response that he had been positive for over 4 years and
thought it understood, henceforth he never saw any need to tell me
prior. He came across as almost being insulted for bringing it
up to him.
I don’t think I will ever grasp that line of
thinking, nor do I want to. And for all the things that
should have been or would have been understood when I got infected,
they should never have taken precedence over the respect for human
life. It should be understood that life is precious and
as such should always be treated with respect.
HIV is a virus that affects not only those who
become infected, but also those directly around the victim.
It is a virus that works from both sides of your body. While
it slowly and meticulously destroys the body on the inside, it
reveals the prejudice, ignorance and hatred of those around you.
And while my body is trying to fight the damage
to my cells, it is my soul and mind that have to fight the damage of
the ignorance and hatred of the outside world against those of us
who are sick. Launching a full fledge attack; HIV wants to
kill not only your body but your heart and soul as well.
HIV is a disease, a virus. It is not an
easy ticket-to-ride. It is not a “Get out of jail free” card.
It is not a weapon of discrimination. It is not an excuse for
hatred. It is not a reason for firing. It is not a
reason for abandoning. It is not an excuse to forsake respect and
decency.
And it is never to be “understood.”
It is a way of life, both mine and yours.
My name is Sven
WHY DON’T I BELIEVE?
June 1
What
is the lesson that I am not getting? Or is it the lesson that I am
refusing to get?
I
know what the lesson is. The lesson is about me. The lesson is about
me, my self esteem, and my self-worth. The lesson is about what I
believe. It is about stopping just paying lip service and to start
believing when I tell people I like myself. To start believing when
I tell myself I like myself. The lesson is to start believing in
myself.
Then
why do I grasp at straws, looking at any excuse not to like myself?
Why do I seize every opportunity and everybody else’s behavior as a
confirmation to NOT like myself? I know that their actions and
behavior is caused by their decisions and their consciousness, not
mine. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?
I
know that my dad did not just not love me. He didn’t love me if my
name would have been Peter, Olav or Rumpelstilchen. My dad loved
only himself. His only goal in life was to please himself with no
regard for others. It was his choice, his decision, his conscious,
not something I did. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?
I know that
although Mark was my best friend, I wasn’t his. I know that with
that the balance would always be off. No matter what.
I know that his triggers are commitment, death, and
involvement. I have known that for years. He has proven them for
years. So why don’t I believe it?
I
know that he never in a million years could have known the impact he
caused on my life when he called me a trick. I know that to him
there was no emotional meaning or purpose behind that word other
than to just put me down. It is I who instead of ducking the insult
instead accepted it as a confirmation of how everyone else sees me.
A trick. I know that until the day comes where I tell him this, it
will haunt me. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?
I
know that I wasn’t fired because of me. I was fired because I was
set up, targeted and used. I was fired because I was the token homo
in IT, enduring the insults, the remarks. I was fired because
someone else decided they didn’t like me. Not because of anything I
did. I know that, so why don’t I believe it?
I
know that I shouldn’t do drugs. They hurt me; they don’t make me
cool, nor make me hot. Instead they shorten my life, endanger my
health. The cool times are far outnumbered by the bad times.
I
know that, so why don’t I believe it?
Why
don’t I believe it?
Because I knew that having unprotected sex put me at risk for HIV. I
didn’t believe that either.
My
name is Sven
Sorry, Not Dead Yet!
by
Sven M. PaardekooperIn 2001 Sven found out in the most unceremonious way that he was HIV+. Through the course of several years he had to not only deal with this death sentence but battle his drug addiction as well. Sven kept a journal during this time, writing about his trip to hell and back in a very frank and honest way. To read a sample of his journey, please go click on this link: www.CreativeHousePress.com/NotDead.htm
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